Envy: the emotion of coveting/wanting what someone else has and not wishing ill will on the possessor.
Jealousy: the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else; the fear you may be replaced in the affection of someone you love.
(Definitions supplied by John Sanford in The Invisible Partners)
I find jealousy to be a deep, complex, and dangerous emotion which I will only touch upon today. My first thought is that it simply is part of a love and/or romantic relationship. A given. Second, it’s what kids feel, teens feel, insecure people feel. It’s what mothers feel. Then I realized it is pervasive across ages, classes, and culture. How it is or is not expressed is vast. What is and is not acceptable is just as vast. It is a human condition.
My first association to the word jealousy is the Old Testament telling me God is a jealous god, threatening generational destruction and punishment, somehow indicating it was okay for God to behave in such a manner. Yet, I also was taught God was love. Thereafter, I presumed love and jealousy went together and you can’t have one without the other. It took many decades to learn the falseness of my belief, a tragedy in emotions. If a boyfriend or husband told me he was jealous, I was told “it’s because I love you.”
Over time I learned that jealousy is not a proclamation of love, is not part and parcel of love, and is not okay. It is a mark of possession and not wanting to lose that possession.
Love is not about jealousy. Love is about freedom and trust, tenderness and vulnerability.
Parents can be jealous, too. Of their children. Of losing the love of their partner to a child. Jealousy is another scarcity principle. It is a belief that there is not enough love for everyone. Some people believe love will get used up, and taken away from them. They allow and even feed their jealousy. Jealousy gives an adrenaline high, which can be very hurtful and mean to the person they call their beloved. What happen to the victim of jealousy? He feels guilt for something he did not do or think or feel. She feels attacked just for being herself.
Just as partners suffer from their jealous partner, children suffer from a jealous parent. Because the jealous person person feels fear and loss, they indirectly and directly attack and blame the person they claim to love. They create a false myth to justify their destructive emotion and behaviors. The beloved becomes their victim.
Jealousy is a human emotion. Like hatred, it is one the emotions we must recognize and work with before it damages someone we profess to love. God was pretty vicious in those days. Perhaps it was just a teaching story: this is what jealousy can do so guard yourself carefully because I, God, do know the dangers it can wreak upon people. Maybe God was sharing. Maybe not.
If we are the perpetrator of jealousy, we must rethink and decide if we really love the beloved. If we are the beloved, we must really recognize that jealousy is destructive, not okay, and certainly not an expression of love. Then we re-assess the relationship. It is not an expression of love. It is an expression of fear that a possession will be lost, a possession that is important to the jealous one. Love does not possess. Jealousy from a parent is not our fault. Jealousy in a partner is a caution light, a red flag, and a wake-up call to the beloved. Always.
Peace
Gabrielle Jarrett
3/29/19