Have you ever watched someone say “No thanks” to love? I watch British crime series, currently DCI Banks. (The outcome of the series is yet unknown, so no spoiler effect.) Banks and Annie are in love with each other. Circumstances interrupt the flow of their building love. In life, circumstances do interrupt the flow of love. We know love is not a fixed quantity. Love increases or decreases. It is a fire that needs tending – more logs, less logs, some kindling, some fat wood. Love, like fire, is organic. A love union is not committing to each other, it’s committing to tending and growing the love.
At this point in the series, it’s so clear and heart-breaking to watch Banks push Annie, who loves him, as he loves her, away. It seems he has reached an emotional point where he is afraid of overload, of breaking down, of too much emotion. He is in despair. Annie comes to comfort him. He tells her she needs to leave. He needs to be alone. Later, he is in another transition in his life and expresses the need to do it alone. He pushes love away. “No love for me right now, thanks.” Of course he does not say these words, but as viewers, we see the self-sabotage he creates for himself. He tells Annie “I need time.” She responds with “I may not have the patience…”
I wonder if “no thanks” to love is an all-too-common response from an independent (to a fault) person who has managed on their own successfully for long periods of time. Clearly the Chief Inspector is successful. He also has compassion for the victims of crime for his team, and his family. Yet, in his own personal flood of emotions, he has no compassion for himself. Or, he has forgotten how to receive compassion, how to receive love.
Annie offers him compassion, solace, and healing through her love for him. It’s too much for Banks to receive. I suspect he believes that he will fall apart emotionally if he shares his deep emotions with her. Or that he has to be ‘strong’, meaning his emotions weaken him. He has carefully constructed a wall around his heart which he fears will tumble stone by stone, if he allows her love to reach him. Then what?
We know he will be loved, held, and healed over time. He knows no other outcome than “No one can help me, I must do it myself.” He is unable to risk a single stone being loosened. He won’t risk his know emotional history for possible hurt, betrayal or being seen as weak. He does not trust that removing the stones will bring healing, will open his heart to joy and love, will comfort him and strengthen him. It’s simply not in his history and he cannot trust.
How often do we pass up opportunities for connection, for love, for healing? “No, thanks. No love for me. I’ll do it myself.” We forget when our stones are shifted and/or removed, our heart will break, but it will break open. Then can we receive love. “Yes, I will receive you and your love. Thank you…”
Peace
Gabrielle
4/26/19